One of my first memories of reporting in family court is of a divorcing couple who were fighting over who was going to pay a $500 gas and electric bill. Their high-profile, high-priced attorneys spent hours preparing and appearing before a very seasoned judge who had heard it all. He took the time to point out that their immaturity and contempt for each other led them to paying thousands and thousands of dollars in attorneys’ fees when they could’ve worked together to pay the much-less-expensive $500 utility bill.
I reported another family matter where a mother and father’s hatred for each other drove their daughter into the throws of an eating disorder where she starved herself. Even when their daughter was hospitalized and on feeding tubes, they mustered up enough disdain for each other to ignore the suffering they inflicted on their little girl, and they continued their courtroom brawling. Satan isn’t satisfied with destroying married couples; he wants their children’s peace, joy, and health too. God intends for mothers and fathers to demonstrate love for their children. They are the first and most significant models their children will ever have, second only to God himself. This family’s commissioner was so upset about what was happening to this little girl, and I have no doubt their case will leave a mark on his heart that will always be there. Had they led with their hearts and put God in His rightful place in their marriage, everyone in their wake would have been better for it, and their daughter could have enjoyed her childhood rather than wasting away in a hospital.
I will never forget another commissioner in family court lecturing a divorced couple about the way they treat each other and their small children. She told them that we ask our small children to keep a visitation schedule that we as adults could never handle, packing up their things and going back and forth several times a week because of the parents’ drama. She told that man and woman that if one of them is going to a movie on a night when their children are in their home, they should offer the other parent that time with their own children before hiring a sitter because children benefit from frequent, recurring contact with both parents. It was about doing what is best for the kids. Most impactful was her statement to them about their family court file being public record. She held up their fat file that was overflowing with their documented hatred for each other. The commissioner asked them if they would be proud of that file if their children grew up and read it one day. I wonder how different that file could have looked if its contents were minimal and reflected two people who were making their best efforts to compromise and put their children’s best interests before their own anger and fears.
There is a family court case that has rocked my world more than any other. The husband and wife were married very young; they had dated since she was in high school. They had even gone to the same grade school; they just didn’t know each other yet. The wife kept a journal throughout her growing-up years that remembered well how much the two loved each other. They were married for many years and had three beautiful children, but they drug the whole family through family court when they couldn’t figure out how to fix the parts that were broken. Their children suffered; they suffered, and their extended families suffered when they went through years of misery with them. Their youngest child grew up crying because she never had a single memory of her parents being together, not even a recollection of her family being in the same room together. One day, her whole childhood later, a miracle happened; God was welcomed back into her family, and with His Light too bright for the enemy’s darkness, her mom and dad made amends to each other for their own parts without mentioning one thing the other had done to hurt them over the 30-plus years they had known each other. The ego doesn’t enjoy taking responsibility without shifting some of the blame onto the other person or sprinkling reasons, excuses, and dug-up bones on top of their amends. But the soul wins every time humility and love are used to clean up our own side of the street without taking hostages.
It took them a long time, but with God in charge, their adult children now live in peace because they see their parents getting along, and they don’t have to absorb or navigate their old, angry energy anymore. God blessed them with their first trip to Disneyland together, birthdays, Christmases, and Thanksgivings as a family. He flew them to Hawaii for the trip of a lifetime. It was the only time all five of them had ever been on a plane together, ever. With toxic behaviors and unhealthy spouses out of the picture and their total willingness to surrender the past to God, their platonic relationship was no longer a playground for the enemy. Today their adult children get to see their dad being welcomed in their mom’s house, him helping her easily do man things that used to burden her for so long, and they watch them rooting for each other in life, such a massive contrast to how they’d made each other’s lives so difficult in the past. They say children inherit their parents’ dysfunction, but I’m here to tell you that they also inherit their parents’ healing. That family is my family. We haven’t been married for 25 years, but we are wholeheartedly healed and thriving in all the ways we used to be hurting and failing God, our children, and each other, by the loving grace of God. We finished building our family court file many years ago now, the raging dumpster fire has been extinguished by the love of the Lord, and we will never ask a judge to litigate this family’s business ever again. Satan schemed to divide us, but God lovingly healed and united us. We’ve been given the chance to make a living amends to our children, to each other, and to God.
The day is coming when everyone on both sides of the bench in America will be face to face with the Judge who reads our voluminous life files every second of every day front to back. Nothing is hidden from God. When that day comes, we won’t have lawyers to speak for us or try to hide incriminating evidence. Everything we said and did will be admitted. Will we be at peace with what our Heavenly Father reads, or will we wish we had more time to rewrite our file because we are so ashamed of how we spent the precious time He gave us to live our lives honoring Him? Will our file tell a story of Satan scheming to destroy our families and divide us as a nation, or will it tell a story of God lovingly healing and uniting every aspect of our lives individually and collectively? This time is such a blessing if we work together and use it to get right with God, ourselves, and others. God bless America.
“Remember this: When you pick your sword up, God puts His down. You need to beg God to do what only He can do. Then get out of His way and let Him do it.” – Miss Clara “War Room”
