24, and Trying to Outrun Schizophrenia

24, and Trying to Outrun Schizophrenia  at george magazine

Kevin Lopez had just stepped out of his house, on his way to meet his girlfriend for Chinese food, when it happened: He began to hallucinate.

It was just a flicker, really. He saw a leaf fall, or the shadow of a leaf, and thought it was the figure of a person running. For a moment, on a clear night last month, this fast-moving darkness seemed to hurtle in his direction and a current of fear ran through him.

He climbed into the car, and the door shut and latched behind him with a reassuring thunk.

“It’s nothing,” he said. “I don’t know why — I think there’s a person there.”

Light had always caused problems for Kevin when symptoms of schizophrenia came on. He thought that the lights were watching him, like an eye or a camera, or that on the other side of the light, something menacing was crouched, ready to attack.

But over time, he had found ways to manage these episodes; they passed, like a leg cramp or a migraine. That night, he focused on things that he knew were real, like the vinyl of the car seat and the chill of the winter air.

He was dressed for a night out, with fat gemstones in his ears, and had taken a break from his graduate coursework in computer science at Boston University. A “big bearish, handsome nerd” is the way he styled himself at 24.

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